You told me that if
you left, it would be because something made you; some higher force pushed you
through the door. But I don’t believe that is possible. I am convinced that the
actions we do are the result of our conscious decisions. We are the ones
controlling what we do. Our behaviour stems from ourselves, our thoughts and our
You told me you were
suffocating. That you couldn’t continue like this. I held you in my arms and
assured you I was here, I wasn’t going to go anywhere, we would get through
things together and everything would be alright.
You seemed like you believed
me. Then. When you fell asleep in my arms and you woke up the next day telling
me that it was the calmest sleep you had had for days.
You smiled and the
whole room lit up.
I missed your smile. I
still do. That cheeky, childish smile that transferred the glow into your eyes.
You were genuinely happy with me once. We were genuinely happy.
I always thought ‘together’
would be our happy ending. I never saw anything different. In the planning I made
for future endeavours, everything in my life included you. I thought the same
was true for you. How could I have been so wrong?
And then you just
left. And you took the pieces you broke my heart into with you. I never
understood how people could behave so coldly. Perhaps because I could never
bring myself to act as such.
And then I sat there
blaming myself. I couldn’t understand if the problem was not doing enough for
you or rather caring too much.
A few days passed and
you returned as if nothing happened. As if you hadn’t broken me. You never told
me what happened inside you, if anything. What had occurred during that time. What
you were thinking of now.
But I can’t return to
how things were. Because it is not the same anymore. Now I’m the one who feels
suffocated by my own thoughts, my own unanswered questions. And you still
refuse to say anything.
I never understood how
someone could just get up and leave. Until now. Sometimes to save yourself you
need to let go of everything dragging you down. I gave you my heart and you
shred it to pieces. I can no longer feign that did not happen.
I’d never thought I
would be the one to leave. But there seems to be nothing else left for me to
He left the note on her nightstand and walked out the door.