Set limits

There is a simple truth we tend to realise the hard way, after suffering too much disappointment in people: not everyone is worth your time.

We need to set limits not to keep others away, but to protect our own selves.

The world has fallen apart because we envy and hate more than we admire and love.

Solidarity is just a word, not an action.

So many empty statements are made, filled with hypocrisy and feint that it is not easy to trust anyone anymore.

We need to clear our lives of toxic, narcissistic people who have nothing real to offer us; to tear off their masks so we can alleviate ourselves from the burden of trying to please everyone to the extent that we neglect our own well-being.

‘No’ is in fact a complete sentence. We need to start saying it more so life can smile upon us.

Everything comes at the right timing, as long as we are able to deal with the situations we are called to face.

To remain optimistic, we need to have positive, smiling people around us.

But unfortunately, those genuinely rejoicing with your happiness are rare to find.

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Impossible limits

There is a magnificent quote that says that “the only place where your dream becomes impossible is in your own thinking” (Robert Schuller). Because we are only truly restrained by the limits we set in our mind. If we go beyond our limits, impossible is nothing but a word.

Life coaches often prompt you to visualise where you want to be and what you want to achieve in order to gain a clear focus of what you’re after. If you concentrate your attention on exactly what you’re seeking, it somewhat becomes easier to clear out the weed – the unwanted stuff blocking your judgement and thought – so as to realise your initial target.

It may be hard, it may require discipline, but nothing is difficult to achieve if you set your mind to it.

The best things come when we’re open to the prospect of them; when we convert our energy and attention into emitting a good vibe; that’s when we attract goodness. Because if we’re willing to try, something good will certainly be gained.

“The limits of the possible can only be defined by going beyond them into the impossible” – Arthur Clarke

Right People, Wrong Times

“Is it possible to meet the right person at the wrong time?”

“That depends. What makes this the right person and why is it the wrong time?”

She sighed. Unfortunately, not everyone is a mind reader and the things we find it hard to express are usually what we need to communicate the most.

Julie was sitting on the porch gazing at the sunset.

She couldn’t erase from her mind that person she met the other night. They had spent hours talking about anything, everything and nothing. They had shared life experiences, thoughts, ambitions, goals, dreams, all in one night. And she had felt she was falling in love with him, while they were talking.

He had captured her brain and soul and her heart would surely follow.

He made her feel comfortable. Without any fear of judgement or criticism. She felt assured that there was someone on the other end waiting to listen.

As the stars lit up the sky that night, she could see his eyes gleaming. She couldn’t tell if they were radiated by the full moon or his happiness at seeing her smile.

She didn’t know that he felt the same and more. That he had been waiting for her, to get to know her – just how amazing she is – and to do whatever he could to win her over.

All he could think about was holding her tight in his arms and continuing their talk throughout the night until it evolved into the lovers’ stage.

She looked at him with a broken gaze. He understood something was wrong.

“This can’t happen,” she told him. She wouldn’t explain more, not even when he begged her, when he promised that things would be better and nothing would end.

She cried but resisted.

She cried more because she did.

She refused to speak to him, not even when he called or dropped by.

She didn’t want to ruin his life too. That’s what she told her aunt.

“Don’t be silly,” her aunt refuted. “Life is to live it to the last second. Don’t keep wasting it”.

Julie was not to live beyond the summer.

DIY relationship tests

There is a modern saying that you haven’t tested the limits of your relationship with someone unless you try to build a closet or bookshelf with them. If you have ever bought a do-it-yourself piece of furniture, you haven’t yet realised the truth in this.

Good things take time they say. Three hours is long enough. That’s how much time it usually takes to build a closet. Because you first need to organise the what-seem-like-a-million parts, discriminate between all the different type nails and screws, find the required screwdrivers and hammer and distinguish which part belongs to which number in the instructions leaflet. The same leaflet usually says that a minimum of two people are required to assemble this piece of furniture.

It usually helps when the instructions are in a language you understand.

It also helps when you aren’t exhausted and tense from everything else that overwhelms you during that period.

But what helps above all is having patience. Because it is absolutely true that patience is a virtue. One that is also easier advised than actually had.

Cooperation is key in any joint endeavour. But communication is vital. And like everything in relationships and life, it is only when we indulge in something that we can find out how far we can go and how much we can achieve if we put our hearts and minds into it.

And if we are determined, then no matter how difficult, we will succeed.

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in your mind”

Reaching the limit

The thing with exhaustion is that you only realise it has overwhelmed you when you start to make mistakes. And if you don’t do something about it in time, it may prove disastrous.

People get tired. It’s a part of life. We often push ourselves to our limits because we are determined we can do more, we can be better, more productive, more responsible, more efficient, more organised…just…more. We live in an era when multitasking is considered the norm. But what this does to your physical and mental abilities – let alone your psychological state – is disregarded.

We begin to feel tired but prefer to take vitamin supplements rather than get some rest.

We even fall sick but choose to heal with pills and freshly-squeezed orange juices instead of relaxing a little.

We collapse from exhaustion when we have ignored all of the signs our body is sending us. But then it takes twice as long to return to what we see as “normal”. To doing numerous things at once and at the end of the day complaining that we did not have enough time to do everything we were contemplating in the morning. Time is always an issue. But the fact that we run low of energy is simply an obstacle for modern society.

Perhaps we need to slow down and set priorities. To do a few things within the day and do them right, rather than do numerous haphazardly.

The most difficult part is acknowledging that you’ve reached this state and you need to permit yourself to relax, take a breath and believe that you can do everything if you firstly take care of your own self.

 

Also part of Daily Prompt: Permit

The opposite limits

Her name was Patience, which was ironic because she had none. She was the type of person who wanted things done in a specific way, quite swiftly too. It was the consequence of being a perfectionist with a high dose of OCD. And the very fact that she was so meticulous and thorough with whatever she did, meant that she would be irritated by anything of lesser quality. But what was worse of all, was how she reacted to unjustified pressure.

Because often, people work harder when under pressure, as they feel the knife’s edge closing in. But Patience disliked being forced to do something she was going to see to either way. In her mind, it was a useless paradox that was simply unproductive.

So whenever her grandmother forced her to “eat all her peas”, Patience would not touch a single one. The same happened when her parents asked her to “clean up her room”. Or when her supervisor “demanded” a draft copy on his desk “by no later than midday”. She was the person who would eat her peas, clean up her room and get the report done on time, regardless. For this reason, she saw it as demeaning to be pressured so strongly to perform these actions.

As such, her family and colleagues soon realized that just like her name implied, Patience required that very trait, and in fact, the opposite treatment. So, they would tell her she didn’t have to eat all her peas if she didn’t want to. Or that her room seemed clean enough as it was. Or that the report could be handed in as soon as it was done. Left on her own terms, Patience was happy to prove that she could be better than what anyone expected. She gained a sense of satisfaction in that. In proving how disciplined and productive she could be, even without the added pressure. Because she believed that sometimes, that is all we really need. To be allowed to demonstrate your true capabilities without feeling that you are constantly being judged. Sure, it is good and necessary to have some kind of timeline and order in life, but just like everything, there needs to be a limit to it all.

The boundaries of sanity

It is a line, mostly a mental one, that marks the limits of a person’s capacity, tolerance, sanity. It’s called setting boundaries.

There are boundaries and maximum (and minimum) limits to just about everything: from fixed prices, to metrics, to country borders, to endurance, even to one’s patience. There is a reason for it. Boundaries keep us sane. They keep things under order, otherwise chaos would ensue and we would all end up psycho wrecks.

Boundaries may be seen as a recognition of personal space. They are normal and necessary. They are part of the process of self-care and maintaining ourselves calm and healthy.

We all often dangle on borders. It’s a natural thing. “Boundaries are to protect life, not to limit pleasures” (Edwin Louis Cole). Certainly: there is a time to play and a time to work. When we are able to distinguish between the two, we will be both mentally healthier and more productive.

“You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce” – Tony Gaskins

 

Also part of Daily Prompt: Healthy

Saying ‘yes’ to ‘no’

It’s nice to be nice. But how nice is nice? Lost? Everyone wants to be appreciated and thought of kindly. And for this, many choose to act as such too. Often it leads to doing things over and above your limits or endurance. It means going out of your way to please other people, sometimes at the expense of your very self. But sometimes, all you have to do is simply say ‘no’.

It’s not easy, but sometimes it is necessary.

Trying to please everyone and be on top of everything, controlling as much as you can, because of the popular belief that ‘if not done by you, it won’t be done right’, will at one point of other result in more than just a perpetual state of “busyness”. It will lead to burnout. And then, being nice is no longer an option. It simply does not exist.

Like this amazing article explains, “burnout happens when you’ve been experiencing chronic stress for so long that your body and your emotional system have begun to shut down and are operating in survival mode.” It leads you into a state where you are unsure about everything, cannot make decisions, do not want to do anything, and have no desire to snap out of it either. It is close to depression, but with the added exhaustion, both physical and mental.

We tend to live in societies where being available 24/7 is seen as advantage but feels like the exact opposite. We need to feel the constant vibrations of phone calls, or hear the constant bleeps of emails and messages arriving to feel important. That’s why we spend most of our day with our faces stuck in a screen, to the point where we even fall asleep with these still in hand.

Somewhere along the line of technological development, we forgot that we are human beings, and transformed into “human doings”. We are the ones who created this “disease of being busy”. And we now occupy a world in which “we have more and more and more to do, with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be?”

We have become so wired up, that it actually feels strange when we have nothing to do. As if it is a sin to not run around constantly. Life coaches themselves state that we need to allow ourselves a little break every now and then; to say “yes” to life by saying “no” a little more often. To allow ourselves to wonder at the marvels around us, to enjoy the small pleasures of life, to actually live.

We cannot please everyone. And no matter how hard we try, we never will. So why don’t we all just try to do the best we can, and enjoy the little time we have in this world. It all starts with two letters: “no”. Sometimes it’s all it takes. And if said as nicely as possible, you won’t lose face. You will just be seen as a person who knows and admits to their limits. And that takes more courage than struggling to do everything.

 

“No one is too busy in this world. It’s all about priorities”.