Learn, thrive, and grow together

It’s a skill knowing when to stop a tiff from developing into a full-grown quarrel. It takes patience and a lot of struggle to reach the point of constraint, of choosing to walk away and quieten down rather than engage in a fight not worth having.

It takes time to learn things. Any thing.

Like the fact that you cannot force people to change. No matter how much you love them or care for them. Regardless of how deeply you let them in, people will only understand what they want. And they will alter their ways only when they truly desire. But just like a selfish person cannot become more caring, an altruist cannot suddenly stop placing others first and only look out for their own benefit. It goes both ways.

It is a wonder, really: is there something in between either feeling everything so profoundly or hardly sensing anything at all?

We are so accustomed to the stories we tell ourselves, those deafening voices in our heads that convince us to try more, to talk more, to press more in the hope that we’ll put ourselves out there and people will finally see us for who we are, for what we’re worth, for the value we so long for them to acknowledge. Yet in this, we fail to see that what we intend as effort, as nurturing care, and affection, to others seems as a suffocating attempt to change their beliefs and attitudes. We judge ourselves on our intentions and not on how we make the other person feel. We act in the way we consider as ‘common sense’ and obvious, but it is not so for everyone, and we often fail to realise that people seldom think and act the same way. Our cheerful ramble confiding in another a portion of our day may be regarded as moaning and just noisy chatter. We feel disappointed and rejected because we’ve created an expectation in our head that is hardly ever met. We set out already knowing what we want to see, and are shattered when it doesn’t play out as such.

Perhaps the biggest mistake we make is taking everything too personally; even when that is how it seems, we are rarely the reason people act like they do. The real cause for people’s behaviour lies within themselves, their upbringing, their experiences, their fears, their influences, their social surroundings, or even just the noise in their own heads.

True relationships – of any sort – help us do three essential things: learn together, grow together, and thrive together. Having fun is just a bonus. Any relationship makes you better in every single way possible. That’s the point of it after all.

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Facing the world

© Sandra Crook

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Sure? We can…”

“No.”

The response was absolute. She’d rather be alone. It was just one of those days when she couldn’t quite decipher what was wrong.

He gave her a couple of hours.

Then he pulled her into a tight embrace – he knew this relieved her tension and said “let’s go.” He allowed no opportunities for questions. They weren’t important. And it didn’t matter.

About an hour later, they arrived.

It was the quiet place where their first date developed. It served as a reminder that it was them against the world.

Also part of Friday Fictioneers

Genuine Smiles

There was a difference between when she smiled wholeheartedly and when she simply forced it. Her aunt knew how to read her. She was just like her. The fake smile caused more muscles to tense. It was strained and didn’t seem natural.

We all have moments like that. When we feel obligated to smile and be courteous when in fact we feel nothing like it at all.

Charlotte saw so much of herself in her niece. Joy lived up to her name most times. But when her aura clouded, it could be sensed a mile away.

“The secret to maintaining that smile is to keep the child inside you alive”, Charlotte said.

Joy tilted her face like a cat in awe.

“Think about it: when we’re simply living in that moment, blurring everything around us to the point that nothing else exists beyond what we’re doing and who we’re with at the present time, aren’t we happier? We shift all our focus to that precise period of time that we don’t care about past or future or anything else that causes us concern and stress. We feel relaxed, playful, carefree, and genuinely happy. Your heart is open to love and…well, joy, and your mind is thinking positively by default. You view the world brighter because you’ve turned the mood switch to that direction”.

Joy smiled, her head turned back straight. The smile was authentic this time.

She didn’t need to say much. Charlotte understood anyway. She gave her a hug. One of those long ones where you wait for the other person to let go first and so you stay entangled for what seems like hours, laughing while you feel each other’s heart vibrate. The embrace was so tight, Charlotte could actually feel the crack that had marked Joy’s emotions.

“We’re all loving people the way we wish we were loved and hurting them the way we wish we were not hurt”.

“How different the world would be if we could – even for an instance – see things from another’s point of view, step in their shoes and view their perspective. How much better everything would be, if we could just let our pride aside for a minute and show some empathy to the people around us, particularly to those we say we care for the most”.

“Sometimes, love has a way of coming back to you”, Charlotte added, loosening the squeeze.

“If it’s meant to be, it won’t miss you. There is always a way if we truly want it”.

Plant your energy

There is an experiment simple enough that children are even taught to carry out: you take two plants and water each of them equally, but to the one you speak lovingly with kind, encouraging words, while to the other you burst out your rage, anger and hatred. You watch them grow over time and soon realise that the first one blooms into a tall, sturdy, leafy plant, while the latter steadily withers away into misery.

Humans are like that too.

The words we receive affect us in every way.

We are told to be careful of the language we use to talk to ourselves. Those deafening voices inside our head and what they tell us. We shouldn’t allow ourselves to hear things we wouldn’t even tell our enemy. That being said, we shouldn’t tolerate such negativity neither from ourselves, neither from anyone around us.

We become what we constantly tell ourselves.

But have you ever considered that no one wants to be kicked at when they’re already down? When we’re having a bad day and someone else is having a great one, the aim is not to bring the latter down, but to lift the former up.

Friends are there to raise our spirits when we ourselves can’t talk ourselves out of a bad state. They need to realise when we require a pep talk, when we call for a reality check, or simply a few words of encouragement. There are days when life seems to suck. It’s just the way it is at that moment for some. And we need to help them deal with it. Not by showcasing all their negative traits, but by pinpointing all their positive ones so that they too can see how brilliant they are regardless if it doesn’t feel so at that time. We need people who can speak highly of us even in the midst of an argument. We don’t need people around us insensitive so as not to realise when they’re causing more trouble than they’re worth, overstaying their welcome and causing problems to an already tumultuous relationship. Friends respect our choices and the people we’re with, and they tolerate them even when they don’t agree with them. We desire friends who call to check up simply for the sake of it and who can sit with us in silence just for the company.

There is a time for being criticised and one for being consoled. Our people can distinguish between the two.

You can’t feed a plant with negativity and expect it to be the joy of life.

The same is true for people.

Treat them well, and they’ll give you even more of their heart.

It all comes down to how you make them feel.

Rainpour

When everything seems to be going just fine, we innately have an inexplicable fear that the wheel will turn to upturn it all.

We end up with nightmares that terrify us in our sleep and various thoughts that haunt us during the day.

We become clingy, vulnerable, insecure, and upset. Easily irritated by the slightest of things. We give importance to issues that shouldn’t matter and we are affected by every little detail around us.

We seek attention to alleviate the burden of the world we feel on our shoulders.

We desire to feel prioritised and important so we can regain part of that self-confidence that was drowned in those disturbing contemplations we create in our heads.

What we want is a person’s time – our person’s time – but that goes beyond the moments we simply spend together. It’s those instances when there are no other distractions around, and they devote their presence to you completely. That’s what we want. The other’s attention and energy. The feeling that for those (few) moments, you are their utmost priority, and there is nothing that can change that.

We want to feel special and loved, particularly at our most vulnerable state. When it starts to rain and it pours. When we view life under a dark cloud and can’t decipher that light at the end of the tunnel.

We want a hug that will wipe it all away.

A few soft works that speak to the heart.

A caring gaze that relights the spark in our eyes.

We want to feel the loving care we sort of lost along the way, that got pushed aside by the fear that if it’s too good, something bad is lingering in the shadows.

We need the confidence to believe that everything will truly be all right, because that is what we deserve; we’ve worked for it and we’ll get there. Eventually.

We want to trust that we’re not alone on that path there.

But most of all, we need to transform ourselves from using our energy to worry and moan, to believing, creating, trusting, healing, manifesting, and growing.

It’s the only way to stop the rain and bring back the sun.

The comfort we seek

©MCD

There is a truth we inherently know. The comfort that we seek all around us is ultimately found in our homes. The home we go to for refuge. Where we feel safe and welcome no matter what. Where our people love us unconditionally. Where regardless of your state of mind, you’ll be loved no questions asked.

Home is where you run to when life just gets too much. When the thunderstorms become too loud and you’re unable to manage them on your own. When your bubble has burst because you were filled with too many expectations that were not realised.

We return home to feel comforted. Because here, you’ll never be left alone unless you request it. Because the only question you’ll be asked is what you want for dinner. Because it is a chance to reset and reprioritize everything you considered valid in your life. It’s a chance to renew yourself and change your mentality. To return stronger, more confident, and with the determined belief that things will work out well.

We need our homes to be our safe place. No judgement, no criticism, no yelling; only laughter, love, calmness, and security.

Wherever we make that home and with whomever we choose, we need to be certain we can run there whenever adversities strike. That we’re not left alone to weather the storm but we have our persons there to help us through it. Relationships all require hard work from both sides, nothing ever simply fits into place; we need to invest ourselves and our effort to making things work if they’re worth it. But to do that we need people who welcome us with open arms when we call and say we’re coming.

We find solace in a hug, in a family’s embrace, in a loved-filled home. And that is what helps us carry on.

The many forms of love

“So what’s the secret to a love that lasts forever?”

She sat cross-legged in front of their old armchair where grandma was sitting. Grandpa just arrived with their morning cup of tea and a rose on the tray. They were by far the most loving couple she knew. Their relationship counted decades and was filled with ups and downs. But they were always there for each other. Supporting one another all the way in their common life journey.

“There’s no one answer to that,” grandmother smiled.

“It’s all the tender things that show each other we care. The fact that we never stop laughing. Or having something to talk about. We trust in that we’ll always have each other.”

“The not giving each other a reason to nag,” grandpa added poking his wife.

“It’s the smallest of rituals like having dinner together, or going for a walk. Cooking or cleaning in turn. But it’s also about remaining attractive to each other.”

“Keeping the spark alive,” he winked.

“Love has many forms,” grandma stated. “You’ll know it in your heart. Because no matter how far you reach that cliff, your partner will never let you fall. We don’t give up in times of trouble; we become closer and fight it off as one”.

Grandpa kissed her on the cheek as he handed her the rose and grandma blushed like a teenager still in love.

Space is a concept

©Alicia Jamtaas

“There’s no space for everything,” was a constant complaint. Hoarders have this incessant problem. No room is every big enough for all their ever-growing belongings.

“We’ll make it,” he would reassure.

She was further agitated by his tranquil tenor; how could he not be worried?

There were boxes all around, inside rooms, out in the yard, in the attic. There was a bike in the living room and a cupboard on the porch.

It was too disorienting, and it aggravated the stress.

She left for a walk, but soon returned to find he had actually taken care of it all.

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Light and colour

©Trish Nankeville

There’s something inspiring about waking up to light and colour. It helps awaken your senses and boost your mood. And when you emit a positive vibe, you feel more confident, like you can take over the world if you have to.

He would bring her flowers every morning simply to see that radiant smile of hers.

She would beam like spring in bloom and he would boast of a mission accomplished.

It was simple things like that that made every day special. Monotony was dangerous, and boredom was lethal. It was keeping the spark alive that made it all worthwhile.

Also part of Friday Fictioneers

The invisible battles

You know that cashier who was rude the other day at the supermarket? The salesperson who seemed uninteresting in helping you? The waiter who evidently ignored you no matter how politely you called numerous times? The person on the bus who took up the whole adjacent seat and did not allow you a space to sit, or the driver who broke out in rage at the morning traffic jam?

They all affect your mood somehow or other.

Because we allow ourselves to be unconsciously burdened by the other’s disposition.

Consider it: If you begin your morning with angered yells, noise from all around, impoliteness, offensive remarks and gestures, and a general irritation that has no apparent cause, won’t you too inadvertently adopt an agitation you cannot explain?

But what about if you started your day with a smile? A sweet good morning message from a loved one, an unexpected caring note, a smile with your take-away coffee, a ‘have a good day’ from the customer you assist, a polite wave from the driver you allow to insert the queue in front of you. Wouldn’t that instantly make you feel better? The satisfaction you receive is immense even from the slightest of things that may seem irrelevant to you.

That morning greeting may have made someone’s day. And it subconsciously also made yours too.

Be polite, always. There is no excuse for rudeness. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Courtesy costs nothing.