Disappointed but not surprised

Every new month we start with the hope that things will be better in the next 30 days. We garner all the optimism we sort of lost along the way during the previous month to start over.

Until it crashes over our head much sooner than we’d hoped for.

Perhaps we are living out a self-fulfilling prophecy in that we expect to be disappointed so we’re just waiting for it to happen. But what if this pattern is a recurring one? What if the circumstances around us simply lead up to that painful loss of optimism? Or maybe it’s just that we hope for a lot.

In the past few months (or even years) we’ve been through so much – so many ridiculous, unperceivable, irrational situations – that we’re no longer surprised by anything. Yet, we’re still left disappointed.

And that is the worst feeling of all.

Maya Angelou had said that “people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

We desire the people closest to us – to whom we confide our deepest insecurities, thoughts, and dreams – to actually do what it is they proclaim.

Rhetoric is easy. You just tell the others what they want to hear. But it’s in the implementation that most are found wanting. It’s the actions that will prove who you are and how much you care. And it’s in the adversities – when you need a clan around you the most – that you’ll see who truly values and supports you. It’s all bright when you’re having fun, but when lightning hits and you’re called to confront the difficulties, who is by your side?

We rethink everything when the world overturns. It’s a push to awaken when we’re caught doing the same mistakes. When we still believe that everyone loves and cares the way we do; at times, prioritising others’ needs above our own because that’s just who we are.

We expect our people to support us in all our endeavours, professional efforts, and personal goals. To push us to be better and to help us maintain our sanity and serenity. Who will demonstrate their encouragement through the slightest of things: a virtual like on a social media post, a digital heart on our business page, an online follow to keep us going. It’s the people you can turn to at any time – be it in the middle of the day or at 2 am – because that’s when you want to speak your heart out. The people who will understand your burden and who will sit and listen to you despite having a great day themselves. The people who will try to soothe your distress because they respect, empathize, and acknowledge that that is what you need at the moment. Who will use a calming tone to communicate with you because criticism and patronisation won’t help.

Showing you care doesn’t mean moving mountains. Love is in the little things; it’s in the time you devote, the priorities you set, and the concern you show. It’s in making the other person feel safe and cherished, that they’re important and worth fighting for.

The more we mature and the more we experience certain things in life, the better we learn to appreciate the people who stand by us regardless. Unfortunately, we don’t always receive the support from the people we anticipate it the most. And we continue to realise it in a hard way. But we should be thankful that there is a handful who will help us pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and move ahead because that’s what we do best. Egoism is bad if it borders narcissism and arrogance, but it is often good if it helps you build confidence and makes you realise your value.

We keep telling ourselves to expect less to avoid disappointment, yet that too is on the list of things easier said than done.

Advertisement

Breaking the silence

©MCD

“What’s wrong?” Miguel asked as he wrapped his arm around her.

He knew sunsets were her favourite hour. That golden moment when nature seemed at peace, and you could feel serene.

“Nothing”, Adeline feigned.

He read through her reflex reaction that everything was not as fine as she claimed. Her eyes weren’t as shiny as when she really meant that. Other times, he could see the last of the sun’s rays reflect off her glistening emerald pupils. And her smile was genuine. Now she just seemed tired. Or, rather, exhausted. Emotionally.

He perplexed his mind for a minute, wondering whether it was worth asking again, pushing for a different answer.

What he couldn’t tell was that she was restraining herself from saying everything that caused chaos in her head.

She couldn’t figure out how it was all roses one minute, and in a single second, due to a single phrase, everything was upturned.  She was upset not only with the way he behaved towards other females – in her presence even – but most of all by the fact that he could hardly identify the problem.

People want to feel they are exclusively loved and valued. Much more so when they’re in a relationship. They want the security that their partner places them above all others, regardless of history or social connections. And it goes both ways. Every kind of relationship needs compromise and concessions. From both. Otherwise the balance doesn’t work.

By the time she decided to say something, the ferry boat had reached the port. And now the time was unsuitable.

He continued as if nothing happened.

But for her it was not as easy.

Silence is hard to keep. But when you break it, you need to be certain that what you’ll say is more important.

Poems of sentiments

Poems don’t have to rhyme, or make much sense.

They just need to speak to you, and reflect what is meant to be said or heard.

It is through these words that we express what we feel, and how deep that sentiment goes.

Perhaps you haven’t felt it so, perhaps that is why you never said anything of the sort.

You compressed those feelings together with the words, lest they escaped and found their way towards me.

But I was never scared of showing you, of allowing my joy to be shared with you.

Perhaps I should have been. Perhaps I should have constrained those sentiments tighter.

For I believed that you would appreciate it all more; you would acknowledge the value of what we had, if you heard it too, if you saw in words the positivity our togetherness reflected.

But you did not.

And that is where it was all lost.

Perhaps I cared too much, much more than you were willing to.

Perhaps you didn’t feel as strong. Or simply refused to admit it.

But I cannot press you to care. You either do it fully or not at all.

There will come a time when you will want to say it all in your own words.

Yet, I cannot promise you that I’ll still be here to listen.

On the occasion of World Poetry Day.

Communicate it

In all we want to say but never do, in the things we say but don’t even mean, in the words lost for the emotions we don’t express, there is so much communication that fades between us.

Not everyone has the same way of externalising what they feel, think or even want to say.

But surely there must be a way of sending your message out to others.

Be it by humour – no matter how cold or inappropriate; body language, drawings, lyrics, or any other way, being able to express yourself is an integral necessity of our human nature, and ultimately our survival.

Because if we cannot even understand each other, how can we help each other become the better versions we are capable of?

Talking to strangers

We have an insatiable need to talk during the day. As if we start the day with a bunch of words that we absolutely must get rid of by the end of it. And if we have no opportunity to share them, we talk to pretty much anyone.

We all have something to say about one thing or other, no matter how futile, silly, or unimportant it may sound. Because everyone has an opinion. Whether you agree with it or not.

The thing is, it’s sometimes easier to do the one thing that as a kid you’re taught not to: talk to strangers.

Have you noticed that when you’re standing in a queue or waiting for the bus, it’s so much easier to start a conversation than anywhere else?

People want to talk. It’s liberating. We have all these words to share. And talking to strangers, to people who don’t know you and whose beliefs you are unaware of, may actually open up an entirely different world for us.

This interesting article describes it well: “Strangers hold the keys to all kinds of knowledge that we want. They help us understand more about people and how we relate to each other. They unlock cultural misunderstandings and bring freedom to the oppressed.” Moreover, “talking to a stranger is inviting someone to challenge our belief systems”.

In fact, like this compliments, “It’s easier to open up to strangers more because they do not know you like a friend would. A friend can be judgmental and it can be scary because they might think of you differently afterwards. Furthermore, a stranger is someone that be “discarded” if things do get worse while it is harder to let a friend go”.

In addition, “Consequential strangers anchor us in the world and give us a sense of being plugged into something larger. They also enhance and enrich our lives and offer us opportunities for novel experiences and information that is beyond the purview of our inner circles”, an NY Times article notes.

In short, we talk to strangers because we secretly hope we’ll find someone like-minded, who shares our problems or who can at least understand them, and who doesn’t have to agree with us out of courtesy or as an obligation of being a friend. We seek alliances in this world, and even if we never see that stranger again, for a brief moment we don’t’ feel alone, and we are alleviated from the burden of facing this world of problems (whatever they may be) on our own.

Speaking out or not at all

When you’ve reached a peak of psychological exhaustion, you often come to wonder if it’s worth speaking out or not at all.

You don’t have to be a rebel to chase after what you’re entitled to, what should be done, what is logical. But like we’ve so blatantly realised during the past year, logic has no reason, and in some case, no existence either.

We speak out because we believe that’s right, and because, deep down, we hope our message will get through and help get things done.

At first, you use diplomacy, but when politeness finds no end, irritation sets in, strictness, and words begin to scathe.

But in the end, we realise that neither has any effect. You can’t force another to do your will.

Perhaps that is what we mostly need to realise: the borders of our own capabilities – how far we can impose change.

Some things don’t happen because we yearn them to.

They depend on the essence of another human being.

And sometimes that is the most difficult thing to control.

Also part of Your Daily Word Prompt

That tremendously important realm of feeling

Love comes in different forms. It may develop unexpectedly, or it may rush into you like a hurricane. There is no single word to describe it, because the feelings it affects are endless.

Love is more than just a word. It’s how it makes you feel: the comfort, warmth and safety it embraces you with; the gratitude, fulfillment and joy it causes to overwhelm you; the inexplicable smile, positivity and sunshine that it helps you radiate.

Just like Eskimos have fifty-two names for snow – because it is so vital for them – love may not have as many names, but there are many ways in which to experience it.

Love, is “a tremendously important realm of feeling” (Robert Johnson). It “is the greatest refreshment in life”(Pablo Picasso), because “it is astonishing how little one feels alone when one loves” (John Bulwer).

We love in different ways, but we can offer an endless supply of love to various people for different reasons. It is so abundant that it itself is capable of offering life, energy, value, support, the more it is spread. You think of love and you can only evoke positive emotions. Sometimes there is no real reason why you love someone or something. You just do, because of the way it makes you feel. And that is an emotion that is hard to forget.

* World Love Day is celebrated every year on December 14th. The purpose of this day is to put aside all negative feelings, thoughts and words that have been said. To think only positively and the reasons we love our people.

Between the words we say and don’t

“Between the words we say and those we meant to say, we lose all those that truly matter”. She told him that after they had both calmed down from their last fight.

People tend to say a lot when they’re angry. They now knew that very well. Rage makes you say things that you may not mean, but mostly ones that are exaggerated. Things your mind regurgitates and convinces you that are true.

He tried to make her see how she was driving herself crazy by her own thoughts. How each person drew their own conclusions and saw whatever they wanted to see.

But just like you are the only one who has control of your feelings and your life, they had to eventually see that the only ones and only thing that mattered was what they did for each other, how they behaved to one another and the words they exchanged. Not what anyone else thought or said.

For it is true that sometimes the heart knows a truth the mind does not.

“Between what is said and not meant, and what is meant and not said, most of love is lost.” – Khalil Gibran

Endless chatter

There is a difference between saying too much and not enough. Just as there is a difference in knowing when to speak and when not.

It is Plato who said it best: “wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something”.

In an age where self-promotion is the norm, people speak more than ever. The problem though, is that they do not know when to pause.

A Zen saying goes “do not speak unless you can improve the silence”. Unfortunately, nowadays few can do that.

We observe it daily: in the ride to and from work, people are stuck in trafficking and feel the constant need to talk to someone – co-passengers, on the phone, to random strangers, salespersons, anyone they bump into – simply to consume the words they cannot suppress inside.

It may be seen as an insecurity, wanting to constantly draw attention onto oneself by speaking endlessly. But people need to realise when this becomes tiresome for others more than for themselves.

Those who speak limitlessly also tend to be those who are not comfortable in their own silence, and who subsequently try to find ways to avoid it. As such, though, they lose out on the healing process some minutes of quiet offers not only to others but to their own soul as well.

Emotions in action

Don’t believe those who tell you they love you. Believe those who show you they do.

Because as cliché as it is, actions do speak louder than words. And we are fallible creatures, who need proof.

We need to feel loved and cared for. That we have the attention we seek and the respect and acknowledgement we strive for.

But we need to see it too, to believe it.

Otherwise, we feed our insecurities. We begin to doubt everything and everyone, even ourselves. And that is where the trouble begins.

Because insecurities deprive us of joy, as they become tension, irritation and anger. And the latter is simply an externalisation of the fear that we are not loved enough.

Leading to the vicious circle binding care with the actions to prove it.

If you don’t state what you want, you may never receive it. It’s sort of the same thing. If you don’t show what you feel, you may not have it reciprocated. And in the end, you’re the one at loss.