The biggest appointment

Dear Diary,

John got upset with me again. He yelled and stormed out of the room. My John. The person who I thought would understand how I felt and why this was so important to me. The person who saw me spend nights and days without sleep, racing to beat sunrise in my attempt to please everyone and have everything done as best I could. The person who saw me forgo meals in order to finish some report or analysis. The one who picked me up when I collapsed for all of the above. I wish he (and so many others) would understand why it thus matters to me to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to at least be recognized as important and not be taken as granted.

I am used to striving for excellence in everything I do, yet it seems that does not matter. I’m even being rejected for jobs because I’m overqualified. I know being a perfectionist is an ambivalent quality – but in the best of cases it means that you will always deliver the highest quality possible. Why is that not appreciated? All it takes is a simply heartfelt “thank you” every now and again.

And today, today I’m feeling ill inside. I feel left out of so many things. Even my life itself. It’s like high school all over. Because no matter what anyone says that never really stops. There are still those cliques, the mean girls, the jocks, and you trying to figure out where exactly you belong in all of this insanity.

I’ve been described as many things – good I hope. But lately I keep finding myself being considered the rebel, the reactionary, the non-conformist. The one who keeps yelling and gets irritate with a tick in the wrong place. It seems like nothing I say even gets understood, never mind acknowledged. And I am always the bad cop in every equation.

One thing I’ve realized out of all this, is that no matter how much you prepare yourself you are never truly ready for this. The biggest appointment in life is the day you realize that nothing is what you expected. Not even close to what you thought it would be. Miles away from what you’ve ever dreamt. It is then that disappointment hits you like a full-force tidal wave pounding on your wooden shack. And all you can do is scramble afloat for air and muster the courage to survive.

It is hard being the rebel in a status quo world. Many said it would be worth it. But no-one said life would be easy.

Love,

Anna

Also part of Daily Prompt: The Heat is On

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